“I’m getting bad again”, the very words my father to my mother, weeks before he took his life.
It scares me, I can’t sake him or those words out of my head. It’s not that I am still in grief, I do miss him, but this is entirely different. I’m scared that I am so much like my dad that I will become him.
I had a good eight months where I seemed to have cracked the code, I was managing my mental illness and living a much better life, than the years before. But these last few weeks, it feels like the progress is unravelling.
I’m not a failure, I know that the annoying thing about mental health is that it is not linear, it goes up, down and any direction it wants, at any time. But I cannot help but feel disappointed because I was so excited for my future, I was so proud in how far I came but now, I can’t muster the courage to get out of bed.
I would love to say that this is just a bit of a bad time, that I’m just sad. Though, when you’ve dealt with depression for such a long time, you just learn to know and accept that he’s going to come crashing through your doors and test you.
With my insomnia creeping back into my life, my appetite flitting between extreme hunger and not wanting to eat at all, I have no energy. I remember before my father passed, I swore he had the flu and I get it to know; Battling a relapse can be just as hard as full-blown influenza.
I went from seeing friends a few times a week, writing every day, cleaning the house and really owning my adult life, to just waking up in the morning and thinking “nope, not today”.
But I don’t say all of this to have people worry or feel sorry for me. This is to show that even when you feel like you are flying high, hard times will still come and that it ok. But it’s important to remember that these hard times will end and the more resilience you will build through this all.
You know something? As much as it really sucks feeling like this right now, I’ve gone through this so many times before and every single time I have survived and learned more about myself. I’m coming to accept that this is who I am but I do not need to be scared or ashamed, I am just a human and humans have feelings.
So, even when things seem impossible and you are not sure if you can make it through the night, let alone the year. Remember that you are not alone, there are so many people around the world hurting, who will understand you and what’s more, you all share the common ability to survive.
Time passes, it will flow just as much as those emotions in your head; learn to embrace it and try to find ways that will make the bad times a little bit easier. Bad days will come but so will good days.