Me and anxiety have lived side by side for nearly a decade. A time span in which I have transformed from a high school student into a foundation doctor. A period in which anxiety has remained as stubborn as ever. In my internal battlefield, many fights have been fought. In some, sweet victories gained as the anxieties concede. In others, I have been left drained, with the bitter taste of defeat left on my tongue, a potent reminder of its power. Win or loose, I have learnt valuable, well-earned lessons on my seemingly eternal rollercoaster ride.
I have created a mental health and art blog, being motivated to create a space where I can share experiences gained, lessons learnt, and helpful tips with you, in the hope we can fight your battles hand in hand. Art has saved me from drowning in my deceiving viscous ocean of thoughts. It is an immensely therapeutic medium to untangle the intertwined web of thoughts constricting my brain like a merciless serpent. Therefore, each post on my blog will be paired with its accompanying artwork.
I hope my blog can spread my abundant passion for art, and its therapeutic benefits. I would love it to become a hive for community artwork. If you are struggling currently, I encourage you to try expressing your thoughts through art. A common misconception is that you must be ‘good’ at drawing to do this. This could not be further from the truth; this is about expressing yourself and reaping the therapeutic benefits. Whether your doodle, drawing, painting, collage or graphic art, resembles a toddlers masterpiece, or a Picasso, I always encourage readers to submit their art to be shared and I cannot wait for the community artwork page to blossom.
Here is one of my first blog posts:
What makes you, you?
I often used to wonder why I felt different to those around me, and what impact this has had on my mental health. I am from a mixed-race background; in my ignorance I was foolish enough to believe my classmates would pick me out due to this. We moved around a few times when I was young, and I had picked up a mixed accent, different to my classmates. I spoke fast as a child also, and I hold a distinctive memory of a classmate mimicking the way I pronounced my name. These seemingly minor events have great clarity in my mind, and I believe it is due to emotions they sparked inside of me.
I can also recall the time I began to moderate my responses due to this, in light of what I felt I should say. I remember observing as two girls in my class asked my best friend how many times a week, she washes her hair, she responded casually with “one” and the girls acted taken aback by this, giggling at her. This question of seemingly great importance, with the power to alter the girls’ perception, was passed over to me. I therefore lied through my teeth, and I said every day, as I thought that’s what they wanted to hear. I was right, they smiled and nodded approvingly. Subconsciously falsely teaching me the way I acted was correct.
Now that I am older and wiser (hopefully), I acknowledge that everyone is unique. This is a beautiful fact which makes a world an amazing, intriguing place. However, as a young girl, I did not have this foresight. Despite this understanding, the insecurities planted through my childhood experiences, captured by my somewhat ignorant childhood mind, remain. I had a very loving, supported childhood, a loving family, good friends. I had no truly bad experiences, only an overactive mind with a negative filter.
The way my mind perceived these minor events planted hundreds of seeds of insecurity and doubt in my mind. Slowly, without me consciously realising, these seeds have blossomed. The vines intricately wrap around the crevasses of my brain, where they remain today. They have retracted from some areas, and grown into others. I feel different, for different reasons. I am proud of my heritage; I am accepting of my accent and the accents of others. But I feel different in the way I act. Things that appear to come naturally to most, are impossible for me. As if a part of my brain is missing.
The part that would tell me how to act in different social situations, that initiates conversations. The part that would make me someone more people would want to be around. I often have nothing to say, sometimes I am full of panic, as the vines tighten their grip, my brain freezes over. I find myself observing what other people do and mimicking their behaviour, like a parrot who does not understand human social etiquette. I wish I could do what comes naturally, but unless I am with my partner or my best friends, I am not able to. The real part of me shuts down, and the panicked, force part, shines through.
I wonder if it is also as when I grew up, I frequently avoided social situations like the plague. I felt out of place, I did not know how to act, I did not like how the situations made me feel, and so the vicious cycle began. The more social situations I avoided, the less comfortable I felt in them, the more I shut myself away and stayed in the nice, warm and cosy comfort zone I had built for myself.
Over time, and support from my loved ones, I have managed to venture outside of this more and more. Sometimes I have crashed and burned, quickly retreated the moment my first foot stepped onto the uncertain ground outside. In the short term, this can be heart breaking, it can feel like the hope you had is dissipating. However, increasingly often, I venture further, I take my first timid steps which soon turn into joyous leaps. And I can tell you something, it is beautiful outside.
Yes, I felt safe in my comfort zone, but I was missing so much. Outside of the four walls, an amazing, scary and exciting world was waiting for me. New experiences, new feelings, new emotions, and importantly, new strength and confidence in myself.
Never be afraid to be yourself. Your unique quirks are what make you who you are, and there is a sea of people who will love you for them. I know it can be tempted to hide away, and sometimes, that is okay. Sometimes, time to recharge your battery is essential. But be careful, do not spend too long, or you will let the beautiful world pass you by.
I hope you enjoy the art I created for this post. I adore making abstract pieces , this is one of my favourites I have done in a while. The model has a face of anguish. He is wearing a butterfly ‘mask’. This is me wearing my mask, transforming into what I believe others want me to be. He is fighting to remove the mask, by emptying the butterflies, but the negative thoughts – represented by the individuals pouring the butterflies into his mind, are relentless. The individuals catching the butterflies show how it can feel as though there is a never-ending supply of negative thoughts, impossible to beat. This is an emotive piece for me, but it delivers a message of hope; never stop fighting, it is more than worth it.
I hope you enjoyed reading this post and encourages you to visit the site, explore, and maybe create your own art. I can’t wait to hear from you and see your artwork.