I tried to write this piece several times but as I stared at the blank page words alluded me, until 4 am Friday and then it just started flowing!
Mother’s Day is two simple words a day where we get to say thank you to our mums, however, what is it like if we don’t have our mums?
We are bombarded by adverts telling us to spoil our mothers, treat them and in general make it all about them. But what if yours isn’t around? If people, whose mothers are around can find it overwhelming, what about the pressure when you have lost your mum?
I am lucky enough to be in the first camp where my mother and mother-in-law are still here so in keeping with our beliefs here at MDB we did a call out. We only use real people’s stories as stats do not show real humans! I was honored when three people shared their stories of losing their mothers and how they handle Mother’s Day and the huge advertising campaign that it involves.
I would like to introduce you to Verity. Verity is one of the most amazing teachers that I know, and she lost her mum when she was 17, 23 years ago. She is a mum to two superstars and a big sister to a brother and sister. Her mum was 46 when she passed in April 2000. I asked Verity how Mother’s Day has been since she passed; “For a long time, it was extremely difficult. Especially as it was so close to the anniversary of her passing as well. I’d feel a sense of dread and almost anger towards the day as it just reminded me of everything that I had lost. After a while, I would try to ignore it or I would celebrate my Mother-in-Law or the other important women who were influential in my upbringing like my grandmother, my Godmother, and my Aunties. Things changed again then when I became a mother myself as it put a different angle on the celebration. I think it also made me more sensitive to how many people in different situations Mother’s Day could influence. People who have lost mothers, people who have lost children, people struggling to become mothers, and people who never knew their mothers. It can have a serious effect on people’s mental health.”
I asked how she found the marketing of the day and what advice she would give to someone going through it “I feel it could be handled more sensitively. I try not to get too caught up in things now and we don’t make a huge fuss. I understand commercially it is a big holiday for cards and gifts and the hospitably business but maybe it needs to be marketed more sensitively. In schools we have to be aware that every child’s situation may be different, so they are encouraged to make a card for someone who takes care of them. Everyone will have a different way of dealing with grief, I found it best to try to keep busy and give myself something to look forward to. Some people may like to think about their mum, look at old photos or visit their grave with flowers. That wasn’t my way of grieving, but no way is the ‘right’ way. Surround yourself with people you love or shut yourself away with chocolates and trashy TV. Whatever way you choose to get through the day, do it and know that that is what’s right for you.”
We also spoke to Vicky, she is also mum to 2 little mischief makers – a boy aged 3, a girl who is 10 months, a wife, a primary school teacher, and an amateur musician. I live in Cornwall, having previously lived and worked in Germany and Cyprus, before moving back to the UK.
I asked her to tell us about her mum.
“My Mum was a formidable woman. We always had a close relationship, but our similarities did lead to heels being dug in and days, where we didn’t talk as either one of us, wanted to back down. She always supported me and my brother in everything, we wanted to do and encouraged us to take life into our hands and get the most out of it.
Mum was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2000 / 2001 after a car accident caused her to notice a lump in her breast. By the time she had found it, it had already spread to her lymph nodes and the outlook was not positive. Despite this, she refused to give in. Despite the grim prognosis, she beat cancer and went into remission for 4 years, but eventually, it came back with a vengeance. She was given 6 months but went on for many more years. She saw me qualify as a teacher and supported me to get my first job and my first house. She encouraged me to apply for opportunities to teach abroad and saw me move first to Germany, then 6 months later out to Cyprus.
She passed away in April 2012, 2 weeks after I started my job in Cyprus. My last memory of her is standing at the station in Plymouth, putting me on a packed bank holiday weekend train to London to catch my flight. She had kept from me quite how poorly she was at this point, although I knew things weren’t good. Communication with home was mainly by text message and I clearly remember the night she told me that she was going into a hospice sadly she didn’t make it through that night. At school the next day my Dad phoned to say she had passed. Even though more than a decade has passed since that day I remember it all like it was yesterday. “
I asked her how Mother’s Day affected her after her mother passed.
“Initially, I hid from Mother’s Day. It was easy for the first few years – I was in Cyprus where the marketing was less in your face – I wasn’t living at home, so I didn’t need to acknowledge it. The usual activities in school were very sensitively taken care of when I wasn’t in class and my friends never spoke about it in front of me. However, when I moved back to the UK it hit me hard. Mum was never a big celebrator of Mother’s Day, but I did like to spoil her on this day. I remember doing the traditional Mother’s Day card activity with my class in my first year back in the UK – I had made an example card to show the children what they could do and one of the children asked if I was going to give it to my mum. An innocent question, but I had to leave the classroom. I hid in the toilet and cried. A few people at work knew but overall, I had never spoken of my mum, or her death so no one knew what to do.
Since then, I have been more open about her and I now have a much more ‘positive’ approach to the day. I now mark the day in my way as I have my children, and a husband who wants me to feel loved and appreciated, so I’m now the spoiled one. We always remember Mum on this day – before I had the children, I would take my husband to the garden of remembrance where we spread her ashes and tell him stories about her. I would like to take them when they are older. My children know who their nanna is, and we have pictures of her around the house.”
I then asked her how she felt about marketing and what advice she would give.
“The marketing of Mother’s Day seems to have become more prominent over the years. It’s not something I noticed much when my Mum died – but then I also lived in Cyprus. However, since being back in the UK it does seem to appear in the supermarkets earlier and earlier with an ever-increasing range of specialist items available. I tend to avoid these by shopping online. I do appreciate the emails that come through from many supermarkets with offers to opt out of Mother’s Day marketing emails and I certainly did this for a few years. My advice to people going through this is to Be kind to yourself – it’s going to be hard and I think it’s important to acknowledge this and give yourself the space to feel and respond in whatever way comes naturally to you”
We also felt it was important to get a male perspective on Mother’s Day, after losing your mother. Julian Baker is from Tonyrefail and is a dad of two teenagers. His mother was the silent matriarch of the house. He had two other brothers and she was the glue that held the household together. I asked him about his experience
“My life came crashing down when my mother first told me of her breast cancer diagnosis. I was 14. she was given at the time, a 5-year prognosis, and the consultant said, “far few women make it past that stage”. I could see it was hard for her then. 14 years passed until the second diagnosis come. My wife had to tell me the news as my mother just as she said, “couldn’t see the heartbreak it gave her to tell me again” It ripped through me like a knife – but we held strong. My father was a strong, no-nonsense man who subtly pushed as he knew mam would win again. He never shared his feelings with me, but I could see how it aged him. In May 2010 when we took mam to the doctors for what we thought were seemingly trivial stomach issues. It was stage 4 ovarian cancer. the initial prognosis was 2 weeks- we vowed as a family to give mam the best two weeks of her life – trips out and afternoon teas aplenty- she fought until December 18th, 2011.
Since then, Mother’s Day has always been hard, they say that the first one is the hardest, but I’m not so sure, yes it was poignant especially as we’d always made a fuss, but every Mother’s Day since has been equally as hard. I have a great support network, and a fantastic wife and children, but the pain is something that will never dissipate for me, you just learn to live with it.
Talking is so important and never be afraid to cry. It’s something I’ve taught my kids and it’s healthy, that’s my greatest advice. Do what feels right for you.
I still feel sad when I see the offerers available. I still funnily buy a bottle of my mother’s favorite ‘Asti Spumante’ and raise a glass to her and will do the same this year.”