A true tale

This week we have a blog from an anonymous supporter who wanted to share their story with you. They are amazing, strong and brave for sharing their truth.

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Bipolar disorder? That’s what Stacey Slater has in Eastenders right? That’s not what I have. Or at least that’s what I thought. I was recently diagnosed with an unspecified form of bipolar disorder. It turns out that there’s a few different forms of this ‘mood disorder’, which is all it is, a disorder affecting moods. So why all this stigma?!

I try to be honest about it but it’s hard when I don’t even understand what’s going on myself. I saw a post about bipolar disorder and how you wake up not knowing if Eeyore will be controlling your moods or whether Tigger will, which is pretty much my life at the moment. It’s one huge roller coaster of ups downs and pretty much everything in between. My moods can change so quickly I’ve got to be careful not to get whiplash! On the outside I play it cool mostly, but on the inside my moods are having a party, only I’m not invited.

I wasn’t convinced the specialist knew what he was talking about when he diagnosed it, and I’m still trying to deny it now most of the time. I’d seen coverage of the disorder on Eastenders with Stacey Slater but that’s not how I am at all.

I guess I suffer more of the depressive side, and I’m on a trial and error patch of medication, with my first medication being a major error. But hopefully this new one will be better. It’s easy to lose hope but I guess we’ve got to have some faith somewhere along the line? !

A fair few times recently I’ve not wanted to live, but at that same moment I’ve not wanted to die either as I know tomorrow could be a completely different day. It feels never ending and I worry that I won’t get better, but a lot of people do, and learn to live with their bipolar disorder so I guess there’s no reason I won’t get to that stage. What I need to learn to do is cope in any way other than harming myself, which is easier said than done, for anyone who has been in that position. Its a temporary fix for a permanent problem, so I’m exploring other methods, like the colouring in, and mindfulness meditation. Give it a go, you never know right?!

Well, that’s my story so far and as I’m told frequently, it will get better, I just need to give it time….

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